The language of narcissism has been in our political discourse for a while, but it's been amping up. While this is probably an accurate and worthy concern, the term is loaded and worth unpacking. This is some of what I’ve learned studying conflict as part of my con-ed.
Our politics in general have devolved into what I call minor cultism. And before you think I’m talking about the American political scene, do remember that “Holt’s Liberals” won the recent New Brunswick election. This was an effort to distance themselves from “Trudeau’s Liberals" because they, “Singh’s NDP”, and “Poilievre’s Conservatives” are all flattening parties into their respective leader to better commit ad hominum attacks. It doesn’t help that Canadian politics was already bent in that direction with our vote being both for the local representative and a proxy vote for that person’s party leader. It is therefore important that we have a good understanding of narcissism, as narcissists of all types and severities are drawn to power and the Canadian system seems especially vulnerable.
I will eventually get to what I believe is a proper Christian response to narcissism and power, both in our politics and in the politics of the church, but let’s start by hearing the Greek myth behind it. There are a couple versions of this floating around, but they all start with Narcissus. He was a “demi-god” who was so beautiful that everyone fell in love with him the moment they saw him. They would then give him anything he wanted to try and win his affection. The problem was, he spent his whole life receiving without even asking and never learned how to give back. He became the Greek god of selfishness because he assumed, correctly, that if he wanted something he could take it. As a demigod though, he took with power and left a trail of wreckage everywhere he went, destroying lives. The rest of the gods didn’t really care until Echo, the goddess of returned sounds, met Narcissus and also fell in love. She didn’t have words of her own and could only repeat what someone said to her, and did so with power. Where Narcissus was the perfect taker, Echo was the perfect giver. Where Narcissus was incapable of giving, Echo was incapable of receiving. Echo emptied herself into Narcissus until there was nothing left of her but sound bouncing off the walls. This got the attention of the rest of the gods who, upon realizing they are not immune to Narcissus’ power, laid a trap. They planted a flower by a pool that was so beautiful it got Narcissus’ attention. When he bent to see the flower, he saw his reflection in the pool, fell in love with himself and drowned.
The myth of Narcissus is where we get the concept of narcissism, but the word is used in three ways today. The first is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is a clinical psychological diagnosis. This is the main way people understand narcissism, even if they are not using the term this way. NPD can be especially difficult to treat because most psychological methods use empathy as a “way in” and a lack of empathy is a defining feature of NPD. The second use of the term is as a qualifier for other established mental health conditions. For example, someone who is depressed, anxious, struggling with bipolar disorder or addiction, might develop narcissistic behaviours (selfish without empathy) as a way of coping. The addiction cycle is a good example of this. Many addicts became so in order to avoid some kind of pain. The may feel “entitled” to a pain free life and lose empathy for the people they hurt while seeking that goal. Understanding this may help in their treatment, even though they are not properly a narcissist.
This brings us to the third use of the term, colloquially as shorthand for “entitled”, “selfish and without empathy” or “full of themselves” without a clinical diagnosis. People may use this as an insult or as a form of social correction, reminding people that some empathy is good, even for people you don’t like… sounds like something Jesus might have said. Often, such usage exaggerates a person’s behaviour in order to enhance the insult or correction. It is important to remember that NPD has nine traits in the DSM-5 and a person needs to have at least five of them to qualify for a diagnosis. See a link below for the details. While narcissism is more common than we might like, and chances are you know at least one person who has a functional form of NPD, it is important to note that using narcissism as an insult diminishes our ability to address real, psychological occurrences of this pattern of behaviour. That and insulting people isn’t very Christian. Push back against selfish behaviour, absolutely, but show some love while doing it.
The way I see it, the problem with narcissism starts with a lack of nuance. The myth of Narcissus presents an archetype, an extreme example only possible with a Greek demigod. Real world examples can vary in their severity and also in the details. One way to correct this nuance is to change the model we use. I prefer to use a spectrum as described by Dr Craig Malkin in his book, Rethinking Narcissism, which includes a self-test (link to info below). Malkin starts by reframing “selfish entitlement without empathy” in terms of self-worth deficits and surpluses, with a third of the questions on his test checking for a healthy balance of the two. After all, we become selfish and feel entitled to attention and care when we are sick. A reasonable person would recognize the difference between that and narcissism but the patterns can look the same and not all sickness is visible, like before mentioned mental health and addiction.
Additionally, Malkin’s test checks for echoism, the other side of the Greek myth. Where a narcissist seeks the spotlight, an echoist avoids it. They may even avoid compliments, becoming visibly uncomfortable when given one. They often have low self esteem and put others first, solving other people’s problems at their own expense. They often justify the needs of others while setting aside their own needs, no matter how legitimate those needs might be. Echoists rarely ask for help, no matter how much they might need it. They will reduce their own opinion, skills, or talents and may even suggest they are bad at the things they are really good at. The last, and key echoist trait, is poor boundaries. They struggle to say no, and will often say yes when they shouldn’t.
The main challenge from a social point of view is the traits of a good boss or police officer are also traits of a narcissist, just in their healthy form. A CEO’s job is to make decisions and have the rest of the organization do it because they said so. A timid echoist would fail spectacularly in such a role. Many of the traits of a good doctor, nurse, or teacher are the same as an echoist, just in their healthy form. The bullish doctor or teacher who demands specific behaviour and belittles those who fail, but cannot fire them for it, is not going to do well in care giving roles. Without nuance though, healthy CEOs are actually encouraged into narcissism by their environment, and echoist nurses suffer from care giver fatigue.
As Christians, we run into a different challenge. The teachings of Christ, read uncritically, seem to encourage and celebrate echoism while demonizing narcissism. For echoists, the space between humility and damaging self-effacement is very narrow. The difference between avoiding the spotlight in a prideful manner and accepting compliments is equally so. For narcissists, the space between self-confidence and self-importance is also narrow. Equally narrow is the difference between “fantasies of success” and achieving goals by healthy and ethical means. The Way that Jesus taught was part reinforcing Jewish patterns of behaviour from the First Testament, and partly against the excessive pride built into the Greco-Roman system of honor and shame. We live in a culture the is becoming progressively more Roman, but it’s not the same.
This is especially important for us today because the language of narcissism has been thrown around, especially during political campaigns, in destructive ways. Our southern neighbours have elected someone as their president who seems to qualify for a diagnosis NPD, and seems to have surrounded himself with others who also qualify. I phrase that carefully, because while a diagnosis is a safe bet, I am neither qualified nor in a position to officially make such an assertion. I am also cautious because the conventional wisdom with narcissists is you have one of two choices: radical acceptance or cutoff, you deal with who they are or remove them from your life. This is because most modern psychological treatments start with empathy. The patient needs to want to change because they see the flaw in themselves and feel badly that it affects others negatively. Those with NPD tend to lack sufficient empathy to commit to such work. However, this is only true for a portion of those people with full blown NPD, and almost never true for people who have been merely diagnosed by their peers. It is my experience engaging with narcissists of varying severity that empathy may be broken, but it is never gone. In demonizing narcissists, we write people off as broken in ways that are deeply un-Christian. That's not to say cutoff isn't an option for Chistians, boundaries are good and people who violate them need stronger boundaries. When boundaries are reinforced with (de)value statements, we veer off the Christian path.
And so, the Christian must walk a careful line between the latent narcissism and echoism that is within everyone, you and the people around you. Feed Christ’s sheep but have boundaries. Share your “talents” with true humility. Accept and give praise to build up but no so tall that people fall over. And remember that we are all members of the body Christ, varied and special in our own way and at our best when we work together for the sake of all. We need only keep an eye on the middle of that spectrum to keep each part of the body healthy. This is true within our businesses, our governance, and the best way for the church to lead in this moment is to model such patterns within our congregations and the courts of the wider church. True discipleship must start with leading by example.
If you made it this far, thank you. This was a long one. May you find balance in your life and encourage balance in the lives around you, in Christ’s name. Amen.
Here’s a link to a clinical description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms-diagnosis-and-treatments
Dr Malkin’s webpage is here. If you want a copy of the book, use the details to find it at your preferred bookseller. There is also a shortened version of the mentioned test on his site.
http://drcraigmalkin.com/